Every one wants beautiful, luscious everything. Women get $800 hair extensions to make themselves feel more beautiful (not for your guys, sorry to break it to ya,) and I, being the broke post-gradder that I am, get free eyelash extensions. Yes, free. I willingly glued synthetic falsies to my eyes, but for a good cause. Laziness was my main cause, friendship and education was also my cause, and this blog was my cause. I needed more material so I thought let’s glue some stuff to my face.
One of my friends is an esthetician who has been practicing eyelash extensions in her free time for the past couple months before she becomes certified to work with clients in the spa she works full-time. She’s been working in beauty for years, and she’s very dedicated and passionate about it, which is why I allowed her that close to my eyes with tweezers. When she came into the room and repositioned my head to make her work more comfortable she asked me why I wanted extensions. Honestly, I thought it’d be a good time. I hadn’t really thought too much about it besides the fact I was down to be a guinea pig for the sake of beauty and then I realized— I would no longer need to wear mascara. Let the clouds open up, and the sun shine on down because hallelujah to not falling asleep in that crusty mess; big ups to not seeing my boyfriend make the face Donald Trump did in the last GOP debate with Carly Fiorina when he sees me in the morning after a night of drinking. No more schmear on my face, no more putting on makeup in my car mirror when I’m already late for work and didn’t wash my face!
It began with an eyelid prime (so damn relaxing) and some eye pads (so damn not relaxing) that made me look like I was being abducted by aliens. I should make it known right now that I’m a baby, I overthink and overreact about everything. I could have a full-fledged breakdown in my head and stay completely calm in front of someone when I don’t know them well. I’m the kind of person that finds out a sweater is actually $60 instead of the $20 I thought it was and I’ll buy it because I don’t want to look bad. So in this case my esthetician is my friend’s girlfriend meaning I don’t know her too well. I must also tell you that I am very sensitive and I’m allergic to basically the entire environment. I don’t know how doctors let me out into the world when I’m allergic to almost every tree in my region. How I thought it’d be a good idea to put unknown cosmetics really close to my eyeballs is beyond me, but I did. Now that were all caught up on my medical history I can tell you what happens after the eye pads were put on.
The eye pads purpose were to hold down my bottom lashes so they didn’t glue my eyes shut. Terrifying, yes. Uncomfortable, even more so. My eyes are like baby’s bums. They need constant attention. They need gentle lovin’ and very soft towels. I can’t say she didn’t give me gentle loving because she was very careful with my delicate crazy eyes.
“Alright, we’re going to start. You ready? Keep your eyes shut the whole time.”
My eyes were already shut and I thought, “Shit. What have I got myself into?” You know when people tell you not to do something and you just can’t stop thinking about it. It’s human nature. All I wanted to do at this moment was open my eyes, just let the babies breathe. Freak out starting, and I remained calm, “Mmhm,” I mumbled with my mouth closed. “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Oh god my eyes are watering, this is awful. Why does it burn? I feel the water coming down the side. Is that glue she’s putting on? Or is she touching my eye with tweezers? What’s happening? Ooooh, wait. Fuck. Am I moving my eyes too much? Ugh I need to move my legs.” That was my thought process for a good three hours, just sideline creative swears and sub in thoughts of outrageous freak accidents and you’ll pretty much have my experience. I must disclose that none of this was her fault, and all my brains fault.
“What if the glue gets into my eye and falls over my cornea and I open my eyes and I’m blind,” “What if I’m colorblind when I wake up? What did I look at this morning?”
We got down to the last 15 lashes. My eyelashes were apparently great for the procedure being long and dark and easy to glue, but because my eyes were having a hissy fit and watering every five minutes it was taking almost double what it should have because she had to keep stopping, drying, and taking apart the eyelashes that stuck together. I knew she was frustrating, but she was so sweet in not making it seem so.
10 lashes to go. Awesome, 10 will be easy I thought until I realized that what felt like an hour ago she said 15. Is this low-key what it feels like to be tortured?
6 lashes. Sweet, easy. This time is was actually pretty damn quick and I was pumped to open my eyes.
Last lash. Oh god what if I can’t open my eyes? Cue another slight freak out mixed in with total excitement.
“Alright, I’m going to open your eyes now. Let’s hope none are stuck to the bottom.”
That’s right. You guessed it, you smartasses. I had a lash stuck to the bottom right near my eye duct. She got a pair of scissors, the kind you use for brows that are really thin, and slightly angled. Here I thought the eye pads were terrifying, the glue on my eyelids, or the tweezers next to my closed eyes. No. Scissors approaching your eyeball has definitely outshot all those, and closed out the rankings in the numero uno spot.
So how do I feel now? Alright. I can still see the eyelashes every once in a while because they’re so long which is a little weird and kind of feels like you have a cat hair or something on your lashes. I’ve gone to take it off so many times I can’t count and then I realize, noooooo they’re glued stop it! My eyes are still a little red on the bottom because the eye pads ended up being a little too close to my eyes, but all and all I’m good. I don’t know that I’ll make an appointment for a refill because it’s not as magical as I thought. I’d rather just load on the mascara and wash my face every night then go through that procedure again to be honest. It’d be fantastic if I needed to be on camera every day, but not everyone gets what they want. Needless to say, if you don’t have sensitive eyes and don’t mind a little annoyance for a couple hours I think people should check it out. This trend is for busy people, and I mean, who isn’t busy nowadays. And I got the most natural kind, which aren’t super duper long, but long enough to look like I have makeup on. The possibilities are endless. You could be the crazy eyelash lady and then be famous, I don’t know, make your own story up.